Q: I hear you talking about Tim Helmecki. Who is he?
A: Tim Helmecki was, for a time, the producer of the Afternoon Drive show, and it was interesting in those dark days to watch his loathing of the callers vie for dominance with his loathing of the hosts. He is now an engineer or something. He comes in when something is broken and tries to blame it on us. Despite his encyclopedic knowledge of Canadian rock music and science fiction, he is not always regarded as fascinating, a condition that puzzles him. Helmecki is a Mentat on loan to CBS Radio from some group of beings who appear not to want him back.
Q: What about the religion Colin founded?
A: Colin is the founder and principal spokesperson for Everything Is a Chicken, incorporated in Delaware as the International Society for Chicken Consciousness LLP.
The movement believes that Everything Is a Chicken, which is another way of saying that all existence is a cloud of inter-related particles (dude). But it seems also true in some other more literal sense. Everything is a chicken, you know? Try saying it the next time you are stuck in traffic or something. Say it several times, fast and slow. In its early days, the religion was successful in winning converts because Colin gave a golf chair to anyone willing to renounce an existing, well-accredited religion and join his. But then he ran out of golf chairs, and membership kind of plateaued. One of the religion’s subsequent canonical doctrines is, therefore: People really like golf chairs.
